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Tuesday, April 3, 2007

PREMONITION (2007) - Mennan Yapo

You know something? I should have known better. I should have had more sense then to fork over nine of my hard-earned Euros to go see the first major contender for worst film of '07. I want my cash back. I want my hour and a half back. Most of all, I want the life the piece of crap that is Premonition sucked out of me back.
Former rom-com princess Sandra Bullock stars as Linda Hanson. Wife to a car sales man (played by Doctor Doom, Nip/Tuck star Julian McMahon). Mother to two daughters. She lives the idyllic yet tedious housewife existence. One day a Sheriff arrives on Linda's doorstep to inform her that her husband met a messy end the day previous. The sheriff then explains that the police department neglected to inform her immediately. The reason for this piece of extremely negligent police work is never explained, but hey, she's got bigger problems on her hands. Linda mopes through the day, hits the sack and wakes up the next morning to find her husband sitting having brekkie in front of the television! She is indeed, seeing dead people. And so begins her ridiculous time travelling game of leap-frog through the six days preceding and following her husband's death. Along the way, Linda plays Columbo as she tries to figure out what happened to her husband.

Where to start with this film? Everything about it is so astonishingly bad, that to focus on one element would be to neglect the others. I'll start with the script. Here's a quick and simple lesson. If you're going to make a thriller, the most essential, and fundamental element to include is suspense. Thrills. The clue is in the title, ya know? Yet for some reason, writer Bill Kelly and director Mennan Yapo (seriously), decided to strip this thriller of all suspense. Every single plot turn, every twist, every single 'jump' is sign posted along the way. How Bullock's character didn't see the twists coming herself is baffling. In fact, her decisions within the plot were so idiotic that I was close to the point of pulling what little hair I have left out of my head. Speaking of heads, there is a moment when Linda finally realizes her husband is dead by tearing his coffin out of the hearse and spilling his body onto the road, only for his head to go bouncing off down the street. A moment of horror? No. One of the funniest moments of the year.
And then there's the acting. Sweet moses, I'm not sure the actors knew the camera was rolling. Nobody seems to be doing the jobs they were hired for. Bullock does her damndest to look confused. But most of the time she just looks wasted and bleary eyed. Her finest moment is when she cries out, during a thunder storm, no less 'WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIIIIIIIME!' Again, I fell into convulsions of laughter. And as for McMahon. Man alive, I've seen more charisma in a boiled cabbage. The man could give Keanu Reeves a run for his money in the old acting stakes. Everyone else fills pointless roles here and there, never making a single impact. Quick note to filmmakers- when casting Peter Stormare, do not, under any circumstances, cast him in any role that requires any amount seriousness. The man is walking pantomime. He hams up every role he gets his mits on.

This film is an insult to all who watch it. The plot twist are incredibly contrived. The ending is absolutely ridiculous. Try and contain your screams of rage at the last shot in the film. If, somehow, you find yourself being thrilled or mildly entertained by this piece of bland schlock, do yourself a favour and go get your hands on any film by Alfred Hitchcock. That man knew how to build a suspense-filled thriller. These filmmakers don't. At all costs, avoid this film. No film has angered me at it's sheer ineptitude since last year's abomination, Lady In The Water. Premonition is the new contender.

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