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Monday, November 16, 2009

G.I. JOE: THE RISE OF COBRA (2009) - Stephen Sommers

Okay, quick plot summary. Weapons manufacturer wants to take over the world. A team of soldiers specially trained in various skills, and powered by super-suits need to stop him or else blah blah, blah blah blah blah. It took me about a minute and a half to write this paragraph. Probably a lot longer than it took Stephen Sommers to come up with the plot for G.I. Joe: The Rise Of Cobra.

Well done, Sommers, you’ve done it again. After The Mummy films, and Van Helsing, you’ve created a film of such unrelenting stupidity that every single moment of watching it made me want to tear out my eyes in merciless rage. I know the argument can be made that GI Joe: The Rise Of Cobra doesn’t take itself too seriously. But to hell with that. The film is packed to the brim with clichés. Not just script clichés, but also directorial clichés. It’s like Sommers got a bunch of action films and bookmarked shots from them that he could rip off. And if you don’t see the ‘twist’ ending coming from pretty much the first half hour, then you’ve obviously nodded off and slept through the entire sorry film.

The special effects are inexcusably shoddy. The acting is at best cringe-worthy, at worst ham-fistedly pedestrian. Even from the likes of Dennis Quaid, Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Christopher Eccleston. And I think the United Nations needs to put through a resolution stopping any Wayans brother from ever appearing in front or behind a camera again. For the good of humanity. Add to this that over half the running time of the film was spent in pointless flash-back and you’ve got absolutely no redeeming quality anywhere in the film. It’s insultingly dumb and unforgivably bad.


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