ORPHAN (2009) - Jaume Collet-Serra

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. I am actually flummoxed by this one. Orphan, directed by Jaume Collet-Serra seems like it’s meant to be a psychological thriller, but having watched it, the only conclusion I can come to is that it’s the cleverest advertised comedy of recent times. The trailer makes you think it’s a thriller, or even a horror, but it will have you rolling in the aisles! It’s ludicrously bad, and yet I was highly entertained. Oh, the confusion.

Kate and John Coleman seem to have the idyllic family life. They’re not perfect. He nearly had an affair. She’s a recovering alcoholic. But they live in an extremely opulent house with their two kids. They’re all grins and teeth. The perfect all-American family. But there’s something missing. Kate had a miscarriage. But she and John still have love to give. So they decide to adopt. While at Orphan-Con 09, an open house where couples come to shop for kids, they meet Esther, a precocious nine-year-old who seems to be highly intelligent, artistic and well-mannered. They’ve found their orphan. So they adopt the girl and take her home. And slowly, things start to go wrong. As the poster says, ‘there’s something wrong with Esther.’ And the Coleman’s are about to find out just how wrong things can go.



Every year, a few friends and I attend the Horrorthon in Dublin. A three-day festival of horror movies. Some outstanding, some utter tosh. Orphan is the kind of film that would perfectly suit the later part of one of the days. When the audience has sat through four movies and needs a pick me up. The kind of film that everyone is wary of, yet ends up just getting stuck in, cheering at the cheese, and laughing at the ridiculousness of it all. And often times, these can be the best of all movies. They may be rubbish, but they’re damn fun. And there is no doubting, Orphan is rubbish. It’s ludicrous, ridiculous, unbelievable and badly executed. But despite all this, it was just fun.

The script is so far beyond logical that to actually be pissed off with it also defies logic. I’d imagine writer David Johnson had a ball writing it, imagining the looks on the audience faces as they watched the stupidity unfold. Either that, or he’s insane. The performances are pretty bog standard for this kind of film, except for that of Isabelle Fuhrman, who is outstanding. If she is not cast as a Bond villain in the next 007 outing, a prime opportunity has been missed. Her Russian accent and cold malice is perfect for the role. But in all seriousness, she’s by far the highlight of the film, and the only real reason to watch it. Vera Farmiga and Peter Sarsgaard are both pretty well-known faces and good actors. So you wonder why they, and Leonardo DiCaprio, who is on-board as producer are doing being associated with the film. Maybe they’re in on the joke.



Like I said, Orphan is rubbish. It’s packed full of clichés, predictable and ludicrous. And yet, I had a great time watching it. So that leaves me in a bit of a quandary. It’s shit, but it’s not as shit as Transformers 2. It’s nowhere near as good as some of the even disappointing better films of the year. Pfsh. Fuck it. Five out of ten.


5/10

RENDITION (2007) - Gavin Hood

The second film tackling current affairs in two weeks arrives on our doorsteps in the form of Gavin Hood’s Rendition. The film is quite different to the previous issue film, The Kingdom. However, the quality of the film is little better. For a film that has quite a bit of rage about the issue it tackles, that being the secret kidnap and torture of men to gain information during the war on terror, for some reason the performances are incredibly lacklustre. It’s strange that with a subject as incendiary as this, the film fails on so many levels.

Rendition opens with a town in an unidentified African country. We are introduced to Douglas Freeman, a pen pusher working for the CIA. He is caught up in an explosion while briefing a fellow operative who dies in the blast. Freeman replaces his fellow agent in a job that will test his morality. He is witness to the torture of kidnapped Egyptian born US green-card holding man, Anwar El-Ibrahimi. The CIA believes El-Ibrahimi is involved with the terrorists behind the bomb blast. In the US, El-Ibrahimi’s wife, Isabella struggles to find out what has happened to her husband after he inexplicably disappears from his flight home from South Africa. Her search leads her to Corinne Whitman, the CIA chief responsible for El-Ibrahimi’s kidnap and rendition.



For a film as weighty as the likes of Traffic and Syriana, and featuring a cast of actors who are all very talented, Rendition fails to entertain or educate. We all know that torture happens. With a US president who pretty much issues carte blanche to everyone to do what’s necessary to carry out his will, you can pretty much be guaranteed that this kind of thing happens. So there’s nothing new in this film. In fact, as unrealistic is it is, TV’s 24 pretty much covers what’s been done in this film. And it is far more entertaining. The characterisations themselves are pretty ridiculous. Everything is split into stark black and white with no grey area. The bad guys are bad and the good guys are good. I’m afraid the human race doesn’t work that way, so on screen, unless it’s fantasy, it doesn’t work.

Rendition features three academy award winners, so by that rationale, they should be pretty decent actors. But you wouldn’t guess that from their performances. Two of the three leads, Jake Gyllenhaal as Freeman, and Reese Witherspoon as Isabella El-Ibrahimi both put in incredibly dull performances. For two people under incredible pressure, they don’t seem to be very fazed by it. Other than to rubbing their faces and occasionally letting out a yell, you’d be forgiven for thinking they were sleepwalking. Meryl Streep’s character is a ridiculous cartoon character villain, a sort of wicked witch of the CIA. She’s given a southern drawl, and at one point imitates South Park’s Mr. Mackay when she says ‘mmmkay.’ I’ve never been a fan of Streep’s, she is a good actor, but terrible here. In fact, only Peter Sarsgaard and Alan Arkin come out of the film with some sort of credibility.



Special mention must be made of the film’s ridiculously contrived plot twist. It’s absolutely unnecessary and while I did find myself going ‘ah!’ when it happened, that immediately turned to annoyance at how stupid it is. While Rendition isn’t as bad as The Kingdom, neither is it much better. If this trend in political inspired movies continues, things bode very badly for some up-coming movies!


4/10