Fuck you, 2009. Don't let us down, 2010

2009. What a year. By June, I’d given up hope on finding any film worth celebrating. In fact, it was fast becoming the worst year I could think of in terms of film. By December, nothing much had changed. It was an awful, awful year. So bad, I lost interest in seeing a lot of the films released in the cinema. Hence the paltry 52 posts in the entire year. That, and laziness.
But there was hope. Despite a truly awful year for film, there were some highlights. And those highlights were fantastic. Those films that really stood out were genre pieces. In fact, out of my own personal Top 10, only two films weren’t genre pieces, or animated films. 2007 was the year of the western. 2009 was the year of sci-fi. And the differences between the sci-fi films showed that big-budget genre pieces work when thought is put into them, and small-budget genre pieces work without the need for massive budgets.
So, here’s the real Top 10 of 2009. I’m in a belligerent mood as I write this (thanks very much weather and Irish Rail), so if you don’t agree, well... go to hell!

The Critical Mass Top 10 of 2009

10. Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs- CWACOM may not be the top animated film of 2009. It won’t beat Up to the Oscar. But it is a brilliantly surreal, beautifully designed and animated, bit of laugh-out loud fun. At times it’s like a kid’s version of Silent Hill weirdness. But there’re jokes here for everyone. And a voice cast that is made up actors chosen for the role, not for their name; they’re all great as their characters. And who wouldn’t be happy to see a film in the Top 10 that features both Mr. T and Bruce Campbell?!

9. The Wrestler- Released way back in January (here), Darren Aronofsky’s film about a washed-up wrestler, played by a once washed-up actor is the perfect storm. A brilliant script, a savagely personal and brilliant performance by Mickey Rourke, and a director who is a contender for the best director working today, The Wrestler is the personal film at it’s best.

8. In The Loop- A British comedy that at the same time does and doesn’t feel like a British comedy, In The Loop is a brilliantly-written piece of savage satire. Peter Capaldi’s Malcolm Tucker is a prime contender for the character of 2009, and is supported by a cast of characters who are all brilliantly written and performed. It’s rare that a film surpasses it’s television version, but In The Loop often does.

7. Star Trek- Purists may have many problems with this ‘reboot.’ But what can’t be argued is the Star Trek franchise was dead on it’s feet. In steps J.J. Abrams to give the series a shot of adrenalin. The story may not have set the world on fire. But it was fun, accessible for non-Trek fans, and Chris Pine makes for a great Kirk. Sci-fi came back with a bang.



6. Paranormal Activity- Little can be said about this film without spoiling it. And it deserves to be seen without knowing anything. A tiny budget, simple set up and terrifying pay-offs, it’s horror at it’s best.

5. Let The Right One In- I don’t like vampires. At least, I don’t like what vampires have become. They’re fucking everywhere now. But Let The Right One In is a vampire film that does away with the clichés and distils a horror film to it’s bare essentials. As much a film about fear of children as fear of vampires, Let The Right One In is lauded by those who’ve seen it. And rightly so.

4. Moon- When I saw Moon, I declared that no film would top it in 2009. It’s a brilliant debut from Duncan Jones and has two top actors at the top of their game, both of them Sam Rockwell. It’s a 1970’s paranoid sci-fi film for the 21st Century, all story and performance, with a concept that’s not that wild. And it proves you don’t need big computer effects to deliver brilliant sci-fi.

3. Avatar- But then sometimes big computer effects can blow you face off. 12 years in the making, and worth every second and penny, Avatar brought James Cameron back to what he does best- big budget, balls-out action sci-fi. Hyped to be ‘the future of cinema,’ Avatar could very well be the future of the blockbuster. A huge step forward in technology, with a world that is jaw-droppingly real, and some of the best special effects ever put to film, Avatar proves that if you want mega-budget, action-packed spectacle, put a bit of thought and care into it. Not the top of 2009, but certainly a huge step forward for the industry.

2. District 9- Simply put, the best science fiction film of the last 10 years. Alegorical, funny, tense, with both human and alien characters we can identify with, District 9 is what happens when a very talented no-budget filmmaker is picked up by a hugely successful filmmaker who also made the transition to big budget. District 9 started as a brilliantly-made short. Peter Jackson saw it and gave the director, Neill Blomkamp the money to turn it into something bigger. Blomkamp never lost his original vision and the result is a brilliant piece of sci-fi.

1. Up- It was a difficult choice between District 9 and Up. But in the end, Up is just such an achingly beautiful story, that it really just had to take the top spot. Pixar are technical geniuses. Each of their films is flawlessly executed. But none of the films have had a story quite like Up. After the first 10 minutes, the entire cinema was stunned into tearful silence. Later on, we were all creased with laughter. This wide-ranging emotional impact is rarely seen in films, let alone animated films. Pete Docter delivers a film so brilliantly executed, the real tragedy is that it wont be recognised as the best film of 2009 by the academy. There’s still a stigma that surrounds animated films; ‘ah sure they’re just for kids.’ Fuck you. Up proves that animation is no less of an art-form than live-action. A perfect film.



So, not bad all in all. Couldda been worse, I guess. But I’d like to thank the film industry for throwing out such a large proportion of films that ranged from incredibly average to just plain awful. The list above really are the diamonds in the rough. And now... ugh... onto the dregs of 2009. While I’d like to list 10 films that really bugged the shit out of me, truth be told, I avoided a hell of a lot of films this year. So you won’t see the likes of The Time Traveller’s Wife, Year One, The Ugly Truth or 2012 on this list. The last of which is actually a shame. Emmerich’s becoming something of a regular fixture on the worst-of lists, so it feels kinda lacking without him. Anyways, here are seven films I wish I could erase from history, all of which were released in 2009.

7. Orphan- Whoah, nelly, is this a stinker. It’s a tense psychological thriller. Or else, it wants to be. But the scene where a ‘nine year old’ seduces her adopted father is both jaw-droppingly misguided and unintentionally hilarious at the same time. Still, the 12 year old Isabelle Fuhrman makes for one hell of a villain.

6. Knowing- What a wonderful thing it is to watch Nicholas Cage single-handedly destroy his own career. Why? Because when he’s good, he’s very good. But when he’s bad, he’s the Wicker Man. And Knowing continues the trend of gravitas in the face of laughably stupid premise. Knowing is bad M. Night Shyamalan. Which, after Lady In The Water and The Happening is pretty fucking awful. While I watched this ludicrous film of disasters leading to an ‘event,’ as I witnessed Cage’s character race stupidly into the middle of a plane crash, I couldn’t help but smile. Art imitates life.

5. X-Men Origins: Wolverine- What happens when you take a well-established, much-loved genre character, $150 million dollars and give them to a director who clearly has no idea where to point the camera and what special effects should look like? You get Wolverine. Terrible script, worse director and CGI that is so shockingly poor, I thought I was watching the internet-leaked workprint. I know Hugh Jackman loves playing Wolverine, but Christ, the man deserves better than this.

4. Angels And Demons- They’ve stolen a Higgs Bosun particle from the Large Hadron Collider! Need I say any more?

3. Terminator Salvation- If this list was about the films that had the most potential, the most expectation surrounding it, and still managed to turn the film into one giant cluster-fuck, Terminator Salvation would win. The first time I saw it, I’ll admit, I thought it was all right. But I reckon I was suffering from swine flu... or something. What can I say about McG? I’ll refrain from mentioning the fact that his name is absolutely fucking shit. The only thing going for it is it takes longer to type the word shit than it does ‘McG.’ Anyway, Terminator Salvation. A film made up of stupid decisions. The omnipotent and brutal Skynet keep their distance and don’t really bother the humans instead of wiping them out in one quick operation? Skynet has human-sized corridors and human-friendly interfaces? They build USB ports into their killer-bike things? They have killer-bike things? They allowed the director of the Charlie’s Angels films get his talentless mits on this? Either James Cameron is still wiping the tears of laughter off his cheek after seeing this mess, or else he’s wiping a tear off his cheek after witnessing what’s become of the iconic franchise he created.



2. G.I. Joe- How does Stephen Sommers still have a career? His resume reads like a list of war crimes. The Mummy, The Mummy Returns, Van Helsing and now G.I. Joe. This ghastly pile of garbage is just a load of clichés, badly-written characters, flash-backs (the talentless writer’s crutch to avoid putting thought into writing) and inexcusably poor special effects. Marlon Wayans used up any credibility he gained by being in a Darren Aronofsky film a long, long time ago. Any director, other than his equally talentless brother, Keenen, who hires this ‘actor’ should immediately hand in his DGA membership. The only redeeming thing about G.I. Joe is that I saw it on an airplane and didn’t have to pay to see it.

1. Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen- Michael Bay. Essentially a pornographer with a budget of $200,000,000 but a strict warning to keep it PG13. Treats his female characters with all the subtlety and chivalry of Ted Bundy. Treats the audience like they’re drooling idiots. And in some way, they are. Including me. For paying for this inexcusably bad film. Megan Fox. Somehow missed the bus for pornography central and wound up in Hollywood. Has as much talent as a pair of tits whittled from wood. Has dark, soulless eyes, not unlike those of a shark. Can’t even manage to run convincingly. Shia LaBeouf. Fuck him. He contributed to killing Indiana Jones. John Turturro. Oh my god, how the mighty have fallen. Has gone from being a Coen Brothers darling to stripping down to a g-string for a cheap laugh.
There is so much wrong with Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen that it actually hurts my brain to try and remember it all. Logic is thrown out the window. Geography is bafflingly ignored. The pyramids at Giza are wilfully destroyed because, ya know, fuck the Egyptians. America has shit to blow up. Robot testicles. Robot heaven. Also, side-kicks and incidental characters are so incredibly racist, even George Lucas must shake his head in disbelief. I’ve said it before, and I’m saying it again. FUCK YOU MICHAEL BAY.



Four bad, and three awful films. Have to congratulate Michael Bay though. He’s managed to make the film I most hate in the world. I have a list of bad films. But they’re just bad. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen actually makes me angry.




And in a change to regular programming, since I couldn’t come up with at least ten bad films of 2009, I’ll share with you some things that made me smile in 2009. You lucky people! Little bits of media that made the year that little bit more pleasant. They may be worth checking out, you may hate them. But they made me skip, jump, head-bang and shriek with delight! Also, these are in no particular order.

TV-

Charlie Brooker’s Newswipe- After five seasons of Screenwipe, the foul-mouthed, yet incredibly insightful TV pundit turned his eye to news on television. Informative, eye-opening and always hilarious, it thankfully returns to television in January. Sometime.



David Attenborough’s Life In The Undergrowth- Yeah, yeah. It was released in 2005. But I only got to see it this year. And fuck me, is it crazy. A more appropriate title would have been David Attenborough’s I Swear, We’re Not Making This Shit Up. It’s absolutely engrossing and at times, completely unbelievable. Fantastic viewing.



The Office- The US version. I thought this series would have run out of steam a long time ago, but Season Five still seems fresh, mainly thanks to Steve Carrell, Rainn Wilson and Ed Helms. It’s pretty clear a lot of what these guys do is improvised, but that just makes it even better. And Steve Carrell is actually a pretty damn fine actor.

Flight Of The Conchords- Season Two of this brilliant series aired this year. The comedy was sharper, the songs catchier and Murray had more to do. The series is over now, but at least it went out on a high.



Battlestar Galactica- I know, a lot of people were disappointed in the ending. But I wasn’t. Sometimes we don’t need to be spoon-fed answers, and life doesn’t always deal in absolutes. And while it’s clear Ronald D. Moore had a bit of a hard time trying to tie up loose ends, the series was so strong overall, that I’ll forgive it it’s faults. And also, The Plan was a damn fine watch.

It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia- Good lord, it doesn’t get more low-brow or vulgar as this. And that’s what’s so good about it. And it’s absolutely incredible to see how far an Oscar-nominated actor like Danny Devito is willing to go. Frank Reynolds, I salute you!


Music-

Gallows- Grey Britain- Anger-infused punk is back. And it’s fucking awesome.



Florence And The Machine- Lungs- Helluva debut album. Full of really catch songs, and Florence Welch has a helluva voice.

Dan Deacon- Bromst- Great album, even better live gig.

La Roux- La Roux- Only discovered this in the last week or so, but it’s pretty damn good.

Fuck Buttons- Tarot Sport- These guys create a sound that is incredibly epic sound. Loud, bombastic electronic noise. Brilliant.



Susan Boyle- I Dreamed A Dream- Simply incredible. No, really. Nah, just kidding. If I have to hear about this ‘phenomenon’ again, I may just put a skewer through my ears.

Games-

Street Fighter IV- There's no need for any other fighting game to exist. As close to the perfect fighting game as any game has achieved. Maybe Super Street Fighter IV will perfect the game.

Batman: Arkham Asylum- The best super-hero game ever made. One of the most solid, well-designed, brilliantly written games I’ve ever played, it’s also a game I flew through in a week as it was so addictive. The combat is simple, yet unrelentingly fun, and both Kevin Conroy and Mark Hamill reprise their roles of Batman and The Joker respectively. Amazing fun.



Left 4 Dead 2- Improved on it’s predecessor in many ways. Simple premise. Multiplayer gaming in it’s purest form. Funny, gruesome, often terrifying, always action-packed.

Assassin’s Creed 2- Got this for Christmas. Played it nearly every day since. Free-running is pure fun, the violence is brutal and savage, and it’s an actioner with puzzle elements. Could end up being crap. Most likely won’t.

Canabalt- Have you got an iPhone or an iPod Touch? Then get Canabalt. The premise is simple. Jump over obstacles while the city crumbles around you. But it’s incredibly addictive. Hell, even if you don’t have one of Steve Job’s gadgets, go here.




Other-

Sheikra, Busch Gardens, Florida- I visited Busch Gardens 10 years ago. It was (and remains) the best theme park in Florida. And Sheikra, the latest roller-coaster in the park is balls-out terrifying. I hate heights. So a coaster that drops you from two heights is right up my street. It's brilliant, and worth checking out if you go stateside.



So there you have it. Some of the shit I liked in 2009. So what’s there to look forward to in 2010. Well, first up, The Road. It’s an adaptation of Cormac McCarthy’s novel, and while stateside, they’ve already seen and done this, it’s our turn here in Europe. The book was brilliant and painfully beautiful. Can The Proposition’s John Hillcoat do it justice?

Peter Jackson’s ambitious The Lovely Bones could go either way. It’s not a massive release like Lord Of The Rings, or the upcoming Tintin, but the guy does special effects very well, so it could be very good. The old monster, The Wolfman gets revisited. Benicio Del Toro, Anthony Hopkins and Hugo Weaving headline, so on paper, it looks good. But Joe Johnston has his ups and downs, so it could go either way.

Leonardo DiCaprio has two pretty big films coming out this year. First of all, there’s Shutter Island, the new film directed by Martin Scorsese. To me, judging by the trailer, it looks like a very stylish Wicker Man (the original and best one. Not the balls remake).

And then there’s Inception, the film I’m most looking forward to. Word has it, it cost more to make than The Dark Knight. It’s Christopher Nolan doing original again, and nobody knows anything about it. My And considering that every new Chris Nolan film is his best film, I’m already pretty excited. Especially after seeing that second trailer.

Other stuff I’m really looking forward to is... Matt Damon, Bourne goes Baghdad in Paul Greengrass’ Green Zone... Legion looks rubbish, but high-concept fun rubbish... Ridley Scott does medieval once again with Robin Hood. And with Russell Crowe and Cate Blanchett on board, it’ll at least be acted well... Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant, always at their best when working together release Cemetery Junction in April... Liam Neeson plays Hannibal Smith in The A-Team. I dunno how that cannot be good... Sam Worthington tries to solidify his name as the blockbuster go-to guy with the frankly awesome looking Clash Of The Titans... and Harry Potter begins his final school year with Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows: Part 1... Oh, and some other Pixar film called Toy Story 3. Never heard of it.

2010 on paper, looks a helluva lot more promising than 2009. I, for one, hope it proves to be better. At least Michael Bay can’t put a taint on it with some awful abortion of a film. Thank heaven for small mercies.

So long 2008, here comes 2009.

2008 was one hell of a year. Not exactly an awe-inspiring 12 months of joy. It was a year of uncertainty. The US Presidential election was more entertaining and nerve-wracking than a penalty shoot-out. While the more serious matter of who’d lead the ‘free world’ for the next four years was being questioned, we had someone actually dumber than Bush in the running. Sarah Palin’s antics did entertain us all. There were wars, natural disasters and Zimbabwe became even more of a shameful oversight by the world powers. Right in the middle of all this, the world economy became a giant shit sandwich we’re all going to have to take a bite out of. And then when you didn’t think things could get any worse, this man admitted to having sex with 1,000 cars. Had the world taken leave of it’s senses?!

In the movie world, it was an odd year. An indie director released a film that went on to be the second highest grossing film of all time. Spielberg, Lucas and Ford, once the most powerful cinematic team in Hollywood, proved once and for all that they had lost their mojo. Here in Europe, the year started off very strongly. We got a slew of films that the US had had their time with and were treated to There Will Be Blood, Juno, No Country For Old Men and Lust, Caution. Summer brought the usual crop of blockbusters. Some were instant classics. Others will be quickly forgotten. Autumn and winter, usually a pretty strong period for film, limped by with few films really standing out. It seems the best of this period is coming out in the next few weeks. It is coming close to awards season, after all.

2008 was also a sad year, seeing the loss of, among others, 4 names that were huge in the industry. January saw the shocking death of Heath Ledger. Ledger had just finished work on the role he will forever be associated with. His turn as The Joker in The Dark Knight will go down as one of the great cinematic villains. Ledger was just beginning to hit the big time, having delivered some brilliant performances in Brokeback Mountain, I’m Not There and A Knight’s Tale. In April, NRA spokesman and enemy of everything simian, Charlton Heston died at the age of 84. Heston had courted controversy in his later years due to his association with the NRA, and some selective editing done by Michael Moore for the documentary, Bowling for Columbine. But Heston will always be fondly remembered for his roles in Planet of the Apes, Ben-Hur and Soylent Green.
Stan Winston, creator of some of cinema’s most iconic monsters, died in June. Without his incredible talent for creating creatures, films such as Aliens, Terminator 2 and Jurassic Park would have been a lot less awe-inspiring. And then, in September, we lost one of the greatest actors of all time. Paul Newman, Oscar-winner, humanitarian and one of the few genuine movie stars died at aged 83. Newman was a quintessential film icon, having those movie star looks as well as the talent to back it up. His roles transcend the films they were in with names such as Butch Cassidy and Fast Eddie Felson being among Newman’s most famous creations. A sad year when it came to losses.


But onto the meat of this report. The top 10’s. I haven’t seen everything that was released this year. Due to the global economic downturn, coupled with the frankly ridiculous price of cinema tickets, I can’t possibly have gone to see everything! But from what I’ve seen, I’ve managed to compile the... Critical Mass Top 10 Films of 2008-


10. Tropic Thunder- What can I say? I liked it. I don’t usually like Ben Stiller movies. He’s a name that has brought a little bit of sick to my throat every time I’ve heard it in the last few years. But here, he’s redeemed himself somewhat. The cast were all on top form. Robert Downey Jnr. continued to have the year of his life after the massive success of Iron Man, and Tom Cruise proved that he’s not just Scientology poster boy. Sure, it ran out of steam in a few places. But laugh for laugh, it was one of the best comedies of 2008.

9. Man on Wire- People love lunatics. And they don’t come crazier than Phillipe Petit. In 1974, this crazy Frenchman set up a tight-rope between the two towers of the World Trade Centre. And then spent 45 minutes larking about on the rope. A stunt that was incredibly dangerous and fairly illegal. And in James Marsh’s documentary, it makes for utterly compelling watching.

8. Son of Rambow- We love movies. There’s no other way about it. We just love the escapism and fantasy fulfilment of sitting in front of a big screen. And essentially, that’s what Son of Rambow is all about. A film that is whimsical and doesn’t contain an ounce of cynicism, it’s a tale of friendship that grows between two boys with vastly different backgrounds, brought together by the goal of recreating First Blood. With two brilliant central performances, Son of Rambow is overlooked by many. And criminally so.

7. In Bruges- The only other comedy on the list, this one is vastly different from Tropic Thunder. The screenplay, by playwright and director Martin McDonagh is incredibly dark in places. But everywhere in the film, it’s very sharp. Two hitmen, played by Brendan Gleeson and a career-defining Colin Farrell are hiding out in Bruges, Belgium. One of them wants to see the sights, the other wants to party. But when a call from their boss comes in, things get ugly. It’s a sleeper hit, but one of the best-written and performed films of 2008.



6. In The Shadow of The Moon- These days, I think we take for granted what a monumental achievement putting a man on the moon is. Man hasn’t travelled to our closest neighbour in some time, so maybe that’s why we don’t see it as possibly the greatest achievement man has ever completed. But as this brilliant documentary shows, sending a man nearly 385,000 kilometres to the moon is a monumental achievement. While it doesn’t feature Neil Armstrong, In The Shadow of The Moon remains a compelling and inspiring story of human endeavour.

5. The King of Kong- Many documentaries deal with big, world-changing events. And then you have documentaries like The King of Kong, that deal with small, somewhat insignificant things, like the attempt to break the Donkey Kong world record. In The King of Kong, we have Steve Wiebe and Billy Mitchell, the forces for light and dark; one holding the record, one trying to break it. While the subject matter might turn some viewers off, they’d be wrong to dismiss this film. Full of characters you couldn’t write, it’s compelling, bizarre, hilarious and absolutely entertaining.

4. The Mist- Frank Darabont will always be remembered for his most famous film, and one that tops many best-of lists, The Shawshank Redemption. A tale of hope and salvation, it is the polar opposite of The Mist. Once again, Darabont adapts Stephen King. But this time, the result is a dark, paranoid horror about a group of average Americans trapped in a store while a seemingly world-ending mist surrounds them. In terms of horror movies, The Mist is probably the best American horror movie of the last twenty years. Darabont refused to compromise when the studios pushed for a more optimistic ending. And we, as the audience are better for it.

3. Wall-E- In other years, this film would be top of my list. It just is beaten by two films that, for me, edged it out by a nose. Pixar are world-beaters when it comes to animation. But here, they don’t just create one of the finest animated movies of all time, but they also create a modern classic. The first forty-five minutes feature barely a word of dialogue, and this is where the film is at it’s finest. For plot purposes, humans are introduced, and that’s where I found the film lost a bit of the magic. However, in a film that is of such high quality, this loss is barely noticeable. And as an animator, the animation alone is a marvel. As a film lover, the story is just so utterly fantastic.



2. The Dark Knight- I sat at the end of this film just staring at the screen, jaw agape. Batman Begins was a brilliant reinvention of a series that had become a bad imitation of itself. The Dark Knight took everything that was right about the previous film and pushed everything even further. Heath Ledger’s Joker is no doubt the star of the show. But the rest of the ensemble cast, in particular Gary Oldman, are all on top form. The Dark Knight is the finest comic-book adaptation put to film. But transcends the genre by being one of the finest thrillers put to film.

1. There Will Be Blood- Few films smack you so hardly in the face and leave you reeling for days afterward. Few performances are so instantly awe-inspiring that they will be talked about for years afterward. There Will Be Blood, however, creates both these things. A story of greed, obsession and oil, Daniel Day-Lewis’ role as Daniel Plainview is the embodiment of ambition at any cost. Paul Thomas Anderson’s adaptation of the Upton Sinclair novel Oil! is a career-defining moment for all involved. Rarely do films come along like this. But when they do, they leave their mark.




So there’s the best. But films are only good when you have the awful to sit through too. And 2008 sure had some stinkers. And while I had the foresight to avoid some obviously awful ‘films’ such as Disaster Movie, there were things about these films that made me think ‘they can’t be THAT bad.’ Oh how wrong I can be. The Critical Mass 10 Worst Films of 2008-


10. Martyrs- Again, I still find myself asking ‘where do I start with this film?’ I sat down to it knowing it was the most controversial movie of 2008. And I finished it with a sense that I’d just been raped in the eyeballs. While I don’t agree with the term ‘torture porn,’ Martyrs does for that particular sub-genre of horror movies what Resevoir Dogs did for Otolaryngology. It’s a well-put together movie, but one so inherently nasty that there is very little in it to redeem it. The filmmakers put the audience through 97 minutes of brutality and leave you with nothing other than shock. I’ve never seen so many people walk out of a cinema before the film has ended.

9. Indiana Jones And The Kingdom of The Crystal Skull- The only reason this film isn’t higher on the list is that there were flashes of the old Indy in there, and that alone warrants bonus points. But otherwise, this abomination is not worth more than one watch. And that in itself is a disaster. The Indiana Jones trilogy, despite one or two minor faults, is one of the greatest of all trilogies. But this piece of shit isn’t worthy of the name. Full of jaw-droppingly awful creative decisions, it’s proof that George Lucas should be placed into a home for the creatively retarded, Steven Spielberg should be locked to a chair and made watch his own early films over and over and over again until he sees where his career’s gone wrong, and Harrison Ford should retire quietly before his dignity is entirely gone. Terrible. And it pains me to say that.



8. Quantum of Solace- Casino Royale was entertaining. Daniel Craig proved, as I maintained since he was announced as the new Bond, that he can be Bond. It wasn’t brilliant, but it was a grand romp. Quantum of Solace, the direct sequel, however is awful. Bloody awful. Sure, the second unit director was the stunt co-ordinator on the Bourne sequels. But that doesn’t excuse Quantum of Solace from ripping off that series.

7. Mirrors- The Mist is one of the finest horror movies of the last twenty years. Mirrors is one of the worst. And it has a laughably stupid climax that basically lifts the endings from three types of horror movie- supernatural, monster and action horror. Fucking dreadful.

6. The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian- So desperately wants to be Lord of The Rings, that I almost feel sorry for it. Director Andrew Adamson did such a bad job directing this film that he seems to have killed the franchise. Not even Disney wants to hang onto it. And we’re all better for it.

5. Drillbit Taylor- The Judd Apatow school of filmmaking must be held accountable for this. It’s so bad, I think it’s the real reason Owen Wilson thought of doing something drastic. And as tasteless a joke as that is, it’s still better than anything in this terrible, terrible film.

4. Pathology- I was looking back over the list of films I’d seen this year, and as soon as I saw this title, I instantly became angry. Not just that I’d wasted money on a ticket, but that anybody had wasted money on making it. Full of terrible creative decisions, one of which was to cast Heroes star, the charisma and talent-free Milo Ventimiglia as the hero, it’s a thriller that fails on every level. Worse than actually having an autopsy performed on you while conscious.

3. Max Payne- Every year, at least one computer game adaptation makes it onto the list. Last year it was (s)Hitman. This year, it’s Max Payne. Director John Moore really wishes he made Sin City. So to make up for not making that film, he decided to make Max Payne as if it took place in the Sin City universe. Oh, and throw in some supernatural bullshit for measure. Special mention for Mark Wahlberg who makes it onto the Worst of 2008 list twice. Here’ he mumbles his way through the entire sorry affair.

2. The Happening- Lordy, lordy, lordy. It’s all gone wrong for M. Night Shyamalan. In 1999, he was the next Spielberg. Now, he’d be lucky if he was the next Uwe Boll. Lady In The Water was an unmitigated disaster. Probably the worst film of 2006. Shyamalan can console himself this time as he just missed out on the worst film of 2008. The Happening is so bad, it ends up being laugh out loud hilarious where it’s meant to be horrific. A ridiculous script, terrible direction and some of the worst acting seen in a mainstream Hollywood movie.



1. 10,000 B.C.- How does Roland Emmerich still have a career in the film industry? I guess his films do bring in the dough. But really, the guy should be held accountable for his shocking disregard for the audience’s intelligence. Which doesn’t really say much for me, as I paid to see this crapfest. Firstly, he tried to convince us that an Apple Mac could interface with alien technology. Then came The Patriot. A laughably unconvincing re-imagining of American History. After that, he tried to convince us that another ice-age could happen overnight. And this time, he brings us some sort of utterly ludicrous version of prehistoric history. The film is packed full of dreadful CGI, preposterous story events and gaping plot holes. And with yet another potentially imbecilic film coming out this year with 2012, Roland, we’re reserving this spot on the worst films of 2009 just for you.





That was 2008. Not dreadful. And yet I find myself wondering if it even managed to be better than 2007. Sure, there were no Pirates of the Caribbean films. Thankfully. But it did manage to have a bad Indiana Jones film. Which in itself is pretty awful. Again, the list of films released this year read as depressingly average. Some of the films weren’t even 2008 films, but 2007 releases that only made it to these shores after the new year. The beginning of 2009 looks promising. But again, things could go horribly wrong with remakes, reimaginings and sequels spread pretty liberally throughout the year.

So what is there to look forward to? Well, for us in Europe, the year starts off pretty strongly. With (sigh) awards season just around the corner, the major studios have unleashed all the big contenders. January sees the release of part one of Steven Soderberg’s epic biography of Che Guevara in... Che. Coming hot on the heels of this film is Danny Boyle’s highly praised Slumdog Millionaire. Mickey Rourke is being tipped for Oscar glory for his portrayal of a retired professional wrestler who’s trying to get his life on track in Darren Aronofsky’s The Wrestler, released on January 16th. The following week is pretty packed with the screen adaptation of the play Frost/Nixon hitting screens, as well as Gus Van Sandt’s biography of California’s first gay elected official Harvey Milk in Milk and Valkyrie, the story of an attempt on Adolf Hitler’s life starring a hit-needing Tom Cruise all being released simultaneously. It should prove to be an interesting few weeks.

Then comes The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. The film, directed by the incredibly talented David Fincher has had some mixed reviews in the US. But the trailer looked gorgeous, and Brad Pitt is delivering the best performances of his life at the moment, so it should have something going for it.
When it comes to the big blockbusters, March is the first notable mention. Watchmen is one of the most eagerly anticipated films of the year, and already it’s controversial. 20th Century Fox are seeking to delay the release of the film as it retains distribution rights for the property. The film is financed by Warner Brothers and they are fighting Fox’s legal action. While it’s Warner’s mistake, Fox’s timing is a shitty, cynical attempt to get money from a property they sat on for nearly two decades. But then, that’s business for ya.

April has a new Hayao Miyazaki film for us to marvel at. Ponyo on The Cliff hits screens on the 8th, and if it’s anyway as good as Spirited Away or Princess Mononoke, it’ll be pretty special. Also released the same day is Monsters vs. Aliens, from Dreamworks. While it’ll top Ponyo in the box office, I doubt it’ll be a better film. Pixar also weigh in this year with Up, their animated film about a man who uses balloons to bring his house to South America. No doubt it’ll look amazing. Something quite different in terms of animation is the Henry Selick directed adaptation of Neil Gaiman’s Coraline. Selick directed the brilliant Nightmare Before Christmas and uses this three-d animation style for the film. It hits screens in May.

The blockbuster season kicks off in May with X-Men Origins: Wolverine. X3 was an awful piece of crap, so it’s up to Gavin Hood to redeem the franchise. Luckily for him he’s got the most interesting character to work with, so we get to see how Wolverine became the angry, adamantium killing machine he is in X-Men. But the production had it’s share of problems, so how this affected the film remains to be seen. Competing with Wolverine will be J.J. Abram’s reimagining of Star Trek. Anticipation for this film has reached fever-pitch, and the trailer looks good. Advance word is very positive, so hopes are high for this one.
A month later sees the release of Terminator: Salvation. The series took a serious blow with the terrible Terminator 3. While the film is directed by McG, it also features Christian Bale as saviour of mankind, John Connor. And Bale is known for his ability to pick quality projects. However, it remains to be seen if this film is any good. Quentin Tarantino finally brings his long-awaited World War 2 epic, Inglorious Basterds to the big screen in June. Rumours of this project have been flying around for the better part of a decade, so many will be salivating over this one. However, a bizarre cast led by Brad Pitt and Tarantino’s penchant for delivering films for himself over anyone else means that this project could go either way. Expect 1940’s pop culture references.

The rest of the blockbusters released are dodgy at best. Michael Bay’s sequel to the awful Transformers, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen hits screens in June. No doubt full of empty headed slow motion bullcrap. Roland Emmerich’s stupid-looking 2012 arrives in July. And August sees the release of G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra, directed by the talentless Stephen Sommers. And of course, there’s Harry Potter And The Half-Blood Prince. No doubt it’ll look amazing and will make a truck load of cash for everyone involved. And with the story getting more and more dark and engrossing, hopefully this will be a pretty good Harry Potter movie.

One of the most anticipated, nay, hyped films of the year arrives pretty late. December sees the release of James Cameron’s Avatar. Hyperbolically touted as the film that will change the face of the art form, it’s a sci-fi epic that is an incredibly closely-guarded secret. Whether it’s worth the hype remains to be seen. But it’s still 11 months away, so don’t hold your breath too long!

The rest of the year is peppered with some pretty interesting sounding films. The adaptation of Cormac McCarthy’s prize-winning novel, The Road is due at some point. While McCarthy’s last book to be adapted, No Country For Old Men was a massive success, I doubt the same ill happen for The Road. It’s a very dark grim book, and will make for a very dark film. Also due is the final film in Heath Ledger’s career, The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus. Ledger’s untimely death meant he couldn’t complete the role. So in stepped Jude Law, Colin Farrell and Johnny Depp. Which in accordance with the fantasy plot will make sense. And it’s directed by Terry Gilliam. Which always means something to look forward to.
Depp also leads the cast in Public Enemies, Michael Mann’s story of John Dillinger. Depp plays Dillinger, with Christian Bale playing Melvin Purvis, the man trying to take Dillinger down. It’s a lot to expect a 1920’s Heat, but with a strong cast and Mann behind the camera, it should be pretty spectacular. And finally, Peter Jackson’s new film hits screens in December. The Lovely Bones, adapted from Alice Sebold’s novel of a young girl who watches over her family from Heaven, the book is described as un-filmable. So who better to tackle it than Jackson? But don’t expect family-friendly. The book is very dark, with subject matter that will be very uncomfortable. But it should look gorgeous.

So will 2009 top 2008? Theoretically, it shouldn’t be hard. But the state of the film industry isn’t very healthy at the moment. Money is sought more than creativity, so films that look good on paper may end up being awful. We can but hope.

The Year that was 2007. And what's in store for 08?!

2007. The Year Of The Three-quel. Sequels aren’t something that inspire confidence in the movie goer. Sure, to the studios, it means guaranteed ticket sales. But in an age where sequels are hammered out as quickly as possible in order to make a quick buck, the quality of these films leave something to be desired. This year we had sequels from a whole host of franchises, and to be honest, most of them were pretty poor at best.

The crop of films in the first half of the year made many label 2007 as the worst year for film in a long, long time. Indeed, as the summer drew to a close, and most of the blockbusters proved to be one long stream of disappointment, I tended to agree. But, as with 2006, the later part of 2007 saw the release of the best of the year. The blockbuster season had passed and finally we saw the release of the films that weren’t going to pull in the biggest audiences because, well, there was thought put into these films. Some of them, shock horror, didn’t have one single explosion in them! Good lord, how would we be expected to maintain concentration?!

2007 also saw a return to form for the western. Both 3:10 To Yuma and The Assassination Of Jesse James By The Coward Robert Ford were very different films, but each were fine examples of the genre. This trend continues somewhat in 2008 with Paul Thomas Anderson’s There Will Be Blood. Again, it’s a very different example of a western, but with the success of these films, perhaps the western will become a regular fixture on the big screen.


So without further ado, here are the Critical Mass Top 10 Films of 2007-


10. 3:10 To Yuma- The first of two westerns in the top 10, 3:10 To Yuma was the more action packed of the two, with Christian Bale as a Civil War veteran escorting Russell Crowe’s condemned criminal to the train of the title and then execution. A study of what makes a man, the film has two brilliant performances from two of the best actors working.

9. American Gangster- Yet again, Russell Crowe delivers the goods. This time he’s on the side of the law, playing honest cop Richie Roberts, who’s job it is to take down Frank Lucas, the most successful drug importer in US history. Ridley Scott recreates 70s New York in stunning detail and delivers one of the best gangster films in years.

8. Ratatouille- One of the best animated films in years, and proof that Brad Bird is one of the top directors working today. The story of Remy, a rat with a talent for taste, Ratatouille is simply gorgeous to look at. Pixar hold onto their title as the world’s best CG animation studio with another great film.



7. Zodiac- After 5 years in the wilderness, David Fincher returns in fine form with this chronicle of the Zodiac murders and Robert Graysmith’s obsession with finding the serial killer. Like American Gangster, Fincher brilliantly recreates 1970’s San Francisco. Jake Gyllenhaal, Mark Ruffalo and Robert Downey Jnr. all put in brilliant performances as the cops and reporters obsessed with finding the Zodiac killer and how their obsession affects their personal lives.

6. The Darjeeling Limited- The most critically panned of the movies I’ve chosen, I personally couldn’t understand what their problems were. Wes Anderson’s films are a matter of taste, I’ll admit. But this tale of three brothers travelling across India trying to reconnect is one of Anderson’s better films. And gorgeously filmed with Anderson’s unique and oft imitated sense of humour and skewed outlook on life.



5. The Bourne Ultimatum- Something unique for 2007, a sequel that was actually good. Paul Greengrass, possibly one of the best directors working at the moment, delivers the final part of the Bourne trilogy with Jason Bourne getting to the route of who he is. The best action film of the year, the best of the trilogy, with the rooftop chase in Tangiers possibly being the scene of the year. Better than Bond!

4. I’m Not There- A biopic of Bob Dylan that’s not a biopic, Todd Haynes’ film studies the life of Bob Dylan without ever mentioning the singer himself. Also an examination of the biopic itself, I’m Not There is by far the ‘artiest’ film on the list. Six actors all play aspects of Dylan’s life brilliantly. But it’s Cate Blanchett’s Jude Quinn that is the standout performance of not only the film, but also of 2007.

3. This Is England- Shane Meadows’ semi-autobiographical film about skinhead culture in 1980s England, This Is England continues to show Meadows’ ability to capture reality extremely convincingly. The film doesn’t tackle British nationalism on a grand scale, but instead focuses on it’s effect on a young boy who lost his father in the Falklands War. With a brilliant performance from newcomer Thomas Turgoose, This Is England is yet another brilliant and utterly realistic film from Meadows.

2. Eastern Promises- David Cronenberg teams up once again with Viggo Mortensen in their companion film to 2005’s A History of Violence. The violence is sporadic and graphic. The pace is deliberately slow. And the performance from Viggo Mortensen as Russian mobster, Nikolai is brilliant. Choosing between this and the following film for the best of 2007 was a very difficult job. Eastern Promises is utterly brilliant, and only just edged out by...

1. The Assassination Of Jesse James By The Coward Robert Ford- The second western released this year is also for me, the best film of the year. Andrew Dominik’s film about the last days of Jesse James, and the man who became notorious for killing him is a melancholic and beautiful film with two incredible performances by the actors playing the leads. Brad Pitt puts in a career best performance as Jesse James, the notorious killer who seems to be waiting for death. And Casey Affleck becomes more than just ‘Ben Affleck’s little brother’ as Robert Ford, the man who is obsessed with James. Brilliant in every way, script, direction, acting and cinematography. The Assassination Of Jesse James By The Coward Robert Ford rightly deserves it’s spot topping the best of 2007.





Before I begin the alternate list, let me say that there were one or two movies that wont appear on this list. Films so inherently awful looking that I could not bring myself to watch them. So the likes of Good Luck Chuch and I Now Pronounce You Chuck And Larry (in fact, you wont ever see any film with Rob Schneider in any list I ever do) wont be here. And so, without further ado, here is the Critical Mass 10 Worst Films of 2007-


10. The Golden Compass- The book may be universally praised, but the film, directed by Chris Weitz is painfully boring. And all the elements about atheism which pissed off the Catholic church have been removed, making the condemnation by the church all the more ridiculous. Boring.

9. Die Hard 4.0- Just because Bruce Willis is in it, and just because his name is John McClane, that does not for a second mean it’s a Die Hard film. McClane goes from blue-collar cop to ridiculous over the top action hero in a film that is big on explosions but nothing else. Call it what you like. Just don’t call it Die Hard.

8. Transformers- The only, ONLY thing worth praising about this film is the quality of the CGI. But what else would you expect from a film with a huge budget and backing from Steven Spielberg. Michael Bay cements his reputation as one of the worst directors of all time with this appalling adaptation of the 80’s cartoon.



7. Hitman- Further proof that video games make rotten movies. And Timothy Olyphant shouldn’t be the lead in a film. So bad, I was not arsed doing a review of it.

6. Shrek The Third- The first Shrek movie was brilliant and subversive. The sequel was a little tamer, but was still entertaining. The third movie is a pure cash in by the studio and it shows. As funny as Michael Bay is artistic, there is little in the movie to keep even young kids entertained. And I’m sure there’ll be more sequels. The worst example of the power of money over art.

5. The Kingdom- An overlong episode of CSI Middle East disguised as a political commentary film, The Kingdom quickly loses focus and ends up as a shoot-em-up. Has the unique distinction of making Jason Bateman, the star of Arrested Development, not only desperately unfunny, but also the most infuriatingly punch-able character in a serious film.

4. Spider-Man 3- How do you take a universally praised series of superhero movies and turn it into a laughable poor movie? I don’t know either, but somehow Sam Raimi achieved this with Spider-Man 3. Plot holes galore and too many villains, the emo-strutting scene is woefully misjudged. Terrible.



3. Premonition- Terrible. Awful. Rubbish. I can’t believe I wasted money on this movie. Sandra Bullock does the whole supernatural thing again after learning she can’t pull it off with The Lake House. And Julian McMahon should stick to television where we can at least switch over.

2. Pirates Of The Caribbean: At World’s End- As much as I despise this series of films, it somehow wasn’t the worst of the year. But that’s not saying very much. How the Pirates trilogy has garnered so much praise is a mystery. Even Johnny Depp, arguably the best actor of his generation can’t save this film, but then his Captain Jack performance is appalling. Orlando Bloom and Kiera Knightly are as wooden as ever. The script calls for every character to stand around explaining what’s going on to each other. A film bogged down by an unnecessarily weighty script, characters whose motivations make no sense, performances that are for the most part appalling and a final battle that is absolutely anti-climactic. But saved from being the worst film of the year by the fact that the special effects are quite impressive.

1. Hostel: Part II- I’ve watched my fair share of horror movies. Some brilliant, some awful. But very few are as bad as this immature, puerile, distasteful piece of filmmaking. A horror film that isn’t even remotely frightening, Hostel: Part II does nothing but bore you to death. Which, if that is what director Eli Roth is going for (he does seem to be obsessed with torturing people to death), he hits pretty close to the mark. There is nothing, not one thing, redeeming about this film and therefore, it rockets into the top spot of the Worst of 2007. Shame on everyone involved.




So there you have it. The best, and worst films of 2007. To be honest, it was a pretty bad year in terms of films. I managed to get a top 10 of the year, but these films were the extreme exception to the norm this year. Most of the year in the cinema was spent staring blankly at the list of films and wishing there was at least one film that grabbed my attention. The later part of the year was slightly better than the earlier part, but that doesn’t make up for six months of boring fare.

2008 has a few pretty interesting films on the horizon. Some of these, you lucky Yanks will already have seen. The two that pop straight into mind are The Coen Brothers’ adaptation of the Cormac McCarthy novel, No Country For Old Men, and Paul Thomas Anderson’s adaptation of Upton Sinclair’s novel Oil, There Will Be Blood. Both films have garnered a lot of praise in the US, and I know there are many of us over here that are waiting with bated breath for these movies.
Tim Burton’s adaptation of the musical Sweeny Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street has had many calling it the film of 2007 in the US. It sees Burton teaming up once again with his long-time collaborator, Johnny Depp. With Burton going back to his trademark twisted gothic style, Sweeny Todd should make for interesting viewing.
The year sees quite a few blockbusters coming our way. First up is the much anticipated Cloverfield. After a very interesting advertising campaign, we await to see if Cloverfield lives up to the hype the campaign has generated. All we really know is it’s a monster movie. Whether it’s any good remains to be seen.

The trend in comic book adaptations continues this year with two new Marvel adaptation on the way. Iron Man sees Robert Downey Jnr. donning Tony Stark’s super armour in the first big screen appearance for this superhero. On the other hand, Marvel has another shot at bringing The Incredible Hulk to the screen with... The Incredible Hulk. This time Edward Norton plays the green one with Louis Leterrier, the director of... The Transporter behind the cameras. Makes a huge difference to 2003’s much derided (but I liked it) Hulk which had Ang Lee directing. Lee also has a film coming out this year with Lust, Caution, a film that was heavily cut in China due to it’s graphic sex scenes.

In other comic book releases, Guillermo Del Toro brings Hellboy back to the screen with Hellboy II: The Golden Army. And I’m sure I’m forgetting something...

... Oh yes. The Dark Knight. That’s released this year. Anticipation of this film has reached fever pitch, and from what we’ve seen so far, we shouldn’t be disappointed.

After 19 years, Indiana Jones returns to the big screen in Indiana Jones And The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Probably the most anticipated movie of 2008, it’s an apprehensive time for fans. Indiana Jones is a much loved character. It’s a big gamble bringing him back to the screen after so long. But even Harrison Ford has said this is the best film they’ve done with the character. Whether this is true or not, we’ll find out in May.

It’d be a strange year without a Pixar movie, and 2008 is no different. WALL-E hits the cinemas in July, and after seeing the teaser, it should be a gorgeous movie. Another film with a sci-fi edge to it... okay, completely sci-fi, is J.J. Abrams’ Star Trek movie. Abrams restarts the saga with a whole new cast of characters playing the original crew embarking on their first mission. The casting has been a little cryptic so far, but we’ll have to wait til December to see if it pays off.

Other films to look out for include the World War 2 Tom Cruise thriller Valkyrie; Mark Millar comic adaptation, Wanted; animated movie Persepolis; Michael Haneke’s remake of his own film, Funny Games; and Steve Carrel comedy Get Smart.
Whether 2008 is a success or not depends on the quality of these titles. There’s a lot to look forward to, but there could be a lot of disappointment. What’s for sure, is that 2007 shouldn’t be THAT hard to top. It’s there for the taking!